Waves

Dear Nicholas

Today I felt like I was drowning. And that is weird since I'm a strong swimmer and would have never thought I would ever experience the sense of drowning. But today I did. 

I woke up with this gushing wave of sadness. A wave so huge that it took my breath away. I was unable to breathe. I had this crushing weight on my chest. Everything was closing in on me. I couldn't fight back, I just lay there with this pressure on my chest. I felt this wave crashing into my heart, over and over again. Breaking it into tiny pieces until you are left with nothing but grains of sand. You try to swim up to the light but as you reach the sign of fresh air another wave comes crashing down on you and the darkness just takes over until there is nothing left. No energy to swim back up. No energy to look up. You feel your lungs filling up with water. Water streaming out of your eyes. I want to scream for help but nothing. No words are able to surface. So you just lie there looking up at the light but know that today it is out of your reach. You know that you have no more energy to just swim up. You know that this is the hardest part, to just accept and let go. Because as soon as you relax and stop fighting, everything will be ok. You will find peace and float to the surface. 

But then you take to the water again, push yourself before you ready and know that this is not the last wave that is going to tear you apart. Your life from here on out is going to be filled with many more. So you need to learn how to swim. You need to learn how to keep afloat. You need to learn how to survive as hard as every breath, every step, every day is going be. 

I felt like I was drowning today. But I survived! 

I love you and miss you with everything I have. 

Love Mom 

Nothing about this is easy!

 

It's been a while

Dear Nicholas 

It's been a while since I wrote to you, my baby boy. 

I have been diving into another adventure to keep some happiness alive inside of me and most days it is working. I know you are my driving force and the voice inside my head telling me to focus and keep going. To keep reaching for my dreams and take charge of my life. It has been since the day I lost you that I have found a new meaning to life. 

Life is not just about going to work and pleasing people, doing the things you have to do, getting through the day, coming home and then getting a salary. That is not life. Life is not about how much money you make or what lifestyle you lead. Because if you live your life like that, how do you find the happiness everyday. 

I have learnt in these dark hours of my life that happiness is hard to come by. You can either be someone that wakes up and looks at life in the negative way. Someone who sees nothing but dark rays and grey clouds. Someone who will never show their laugh lines. Or you can be someone that opens her eyes, breathes in the new day, looks for even the little sprinkle of happiness in her wake to just allow her to get through the day. Because in dark days, how do you survive if you can't do that. 

I want to be that someone. I want to be that someone who has laugh lines and a happy sunshine glow. I want to make my gloomy day bright yellow again. 

And to achieve this, life has to be filled with dreams. Dreams that you wake up thinking about. Dreams that you stay up till midnight planning to achieve. Dreams that make your heart jump with just a little excitement. Dreams that one day will come true. Dreams of a mom that can stay home doing something she loves while being there for her children every day. 

And my Nicstar, it was ever since you became my angel that I obtained this new lease on life. That life is to short to say 'I will do it one day'. Because that 'one day' might never come! 

So I have stuck my nose into something that I know will make my dreams come true. My dream of having three beautiful children, two walking this earth and one learning to fly, and a mom that is able to be there for them every minute of the day. As my family will always come first. That is my dream. That is my journey. 

My dream is to firstly be a mom, to experience motherhood in all its beauty and to be the best wife and mother that I can be. And I know you will be guiding me every step of the way. That is my happiness. That is what gets me through my days. 

My soul. My beating heart. My everything. My Nicstar! 

I love you 

Mom