This One's For You

Dear Nicholas

My days are made up of so many first’s. And each time I face these first’s my heart breaks all over again. The time I saw your dad after I had been told you were gone and the look on his face, an image I will never forget and a love I will hold dear every day. The time I saw my mom and her tear stained face and all the family who love you so. The time I held you in my arms for the first and last time. The time we left the hospital hand in hand but without you in my arms. The time I walked into your beautiful nursery knowing that you would never sleep there. The time all our friends came over with their heartfelt hugs.

In my life now, each day brings a first and my most recent one was driving my car for the first time since you became my angel. It was while I was driving that I felt the closest to you. It was our special time. Mommy and son time. I could feel you in my belly, kicking and moving around like a happy little boy. So I would share my favourite song of the day with you and we would sing a long to it the whole drive. Me in my happy place, and you kicking along. It was one of the best times of my life, those little moments, those little kicks, our little mother and son dance.

You see son, driving now is somewhat different, as you are no longer with me in my belly but rather with me in my heart. So as much as my heart breaks every time I am behind the wheel, and I cry my million tears, I know that you are sitting right there next to me still singing along and kicking your precious beautiful feet to the beat. Our little mother and son dance has changed now but will forever be my most favourite part of my drive.

So today, I got into my car, reached for my phone to plug it in to play a song for you, just like I did everyday while you were with me and I cried. I cried because you were not there. I cried because I miss you terribly. I cried because I will never feel your amazing little kicks again. I cried because I will never hear your voice or your laugh as I know we would sound crazy singing together. I cried because I love you more everyday even though you are gone.

And right then I decided that today I was going to dedicate a song to you. A song that at this moment is one of my favourites. And as I was listening to the words, I couldn’t believe that they were the perfect words. And it made me smile. It made me laugh and I know deep down that you chose the song for me just like I chose the song for you.

So now my drive has changed, and every time I get into my car I will dedicate a song to you my Nicholas, my son. And we will both smile. We will both laugh.

“This ones for you” by David Guetta is our first song. A song for you my beautiful boy. Our little moment together, taping our feet away, you up in heaven and mommy down on earth. Hoping that one day I will get to dance hand in hand with you, my son.

Love Mom

Getting Through the Days

Dear Nicholas

They say there is a reason
They say that time will heal
But neither time nor reason
Will change the way we feel.

For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles
No one knows how many times
We have broken down and cried.

We want to tell you something
So there won’t be any doubt
Nick,our boy, you are so wonderful to think of
But so hard to be without.

Love Mom

Hope and Strength

Dear Nicholas

Today marks 4 weeks since you became our guardian angel. An angel that will forever be in our hearts and a love that will never fade.

It was around this time that I got the news that you were no longer with us and had moved on to be in the great heaven above. I can still remember the exact moment. How time stood still. The tears running down the doctors face, and myself, a stunned emotionless self trying to comprehend what was being told to me. How could my Friday end like this? It can not be. This is just a dream. Wake up……And then in seconds my life was shattered into a time I didn’t think I would survive. Reality hit me and you were gone. How could a mom and dad lose a baby so close to his due date and pull through this. Never to see your little heart beat on that screen again. That was the day I lost an essential and significant piece of my soul. That day I learnt that your dad and myself have the most unconditional love and strength for each other. That day I learnt how to be a survivor. That day we gained a guardian angel, you.

You were 31 weeks old, 2kg and 43cm in height and what a beautiful boy you were. You looked just like your dad sleeping peacefully with his mouth open. You were the most precious and perfect little being I have ever held in my arms. You had the softest feet which I could not stop holding and stroking and I will have that amazing image of you in my head and heart until the day we meet again. I was the proudest mom of a beautiful little boy that day. And we named you Nicholas Jorge Piotis. Our little angel forever.

That day will be imprinted into my mind until I can hold you in my arms again and see your beautiful smile. That day will forever be the hardest day of my life, saying goodbye to my son. My son that I had dreamt of playing soccer with, colouring in with, cooking with and just having a good fun life with. A life that will no longer happen. A life that will now miss you forever.

You took my heart with you my precious son. I will never get to live another day feeling complete as a piece of me has gone. The one that will forever know what my beating heart sounds like from the inside.

So today I sit here, thinking of you, and I know I am a survivor. A survivor of the most impossible experience anyone could go through. A mom with an angel baby. A mom like no other mom. And I thank you for coming into our life, even if it was just 8 short months. Because in that little time, you taught me so much. You taught me how to love unconditionally, how to be selfless, how to pray, how to be strong. You taught me excitement and happiness like no other and I will hold onto that always.

Today, for now, I can only hold onto hope and strength. Hope that things will get better. And strength to hold onto until it does.

Thank you Nicholas for coming into our life.

Love Mom.

The warm rays amongst the winter clouds

Dear Nicholas

Mom and dad are on our first adventure since you became our guardian angel. We are in the breathtaking mountains of the Drakensberg, sitting below the beautiful blue but cloudy skies, feeling the chill of the winter morning.

It is so amazing here, and like us, I know you would have loved it. I picture you in your little Spider-Man nappy, wearing your Superman outfit. Of course you would get the whole house up with your loud voice, because you would take after me in that regard. You would be grabbing the boules and shouting to daddy, “Dad, let’s play, team Piotis”. I picture you laughing and smiling as you play, just like your dad. I picture you complaining, “Mom, why are we going there to just drink that red stuff”, on our trip to the wine estate. But I know once you are there, you would be running around through the vines and smiling your beautiful smile. I picture your amazing life that you would have had, and I wish everyday that it would have come true.

Now, as I sit at the bottom of a mountain, overlooking a breathtaking view of calm waters, I miss you more than you know.

The skies have opened from a cloudy existence and a ray of sunshine is hitting me on my back, and I know it is your arms hugging me tightly, comforting me and being right here beside me, just like the 8 months before.

It is and will always be such a comfort feeling your presence my baby boy and I will always picture you in your little Spider-Man nappy and Superman outfit running and causing chaos up there in heaven.

Love Mom.