Happy birthday my special boy! May you be blowing out 5 beautiful candles today in heaven!
I wanted to write you a letter today so here it is.
5 years! 5 years of not having you here with us. It is so surreal to think that 5 years ago you were kicking in my tummy and then just like that... Gone!
It has been 5 years of missing you. 5 years of loving you. 5 years of having you as our most precious guardian angel. 5 years of wishing you back. And 5 years of learning.
So here are 5 things you have taught mommy!
Your loss was a loss like no other. Sometimes child loss is misunderstood by so many. Like understanding that our 'good days' are still harder than you could ever imagine as we are walking this earth without a very special part of us. And that compassion and love is all we need. Not advice. So what have you taught me my dear son.
1. Love never dies!
There will never come a day, hour, minute that I will ever stop loving you. I will love you unconditionally for the rest of my days here on earth. I will speak and always want to hear your name just as all parents speak about their children. I will keep speaking about you as naturally as I speak about your sisters, because I love you just as much. And I know its taboo and hard for people to hear but you are my son and as hard as our culture doesn't talk about child loss, I will keep talking about you as your life was cut short but your love will live forever.
2) I will grieve for a lifetime! Full stop.
There is no 'moving on' or 'get over it'. There is no bow, or fix or solution to my heartache. There is no ends to the ways I will grieve and for how long it will be. There is no glue for my broken heart or pain remedy for my soul. There is no going back in time. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache and long for you with all my heart and soul. There will never come a time where I don't think about who you would have been, how you would have been the perfect big bother or how perfectly woven you would have been in our family. You are my only son. And there will always be a milestone missed. A future altered forever. This is why grief last a lifetime. The ripple effect lasts forever. At every first day of school. At every holiday and birthday. At every graduation. The bleeding never stops.
3)The empty space never becomes less empty!
That empty space in a room. In a picture. In our lives will never be filled. It will be empty forever. There is and will always be an empty space in our lives, in our family. A forever hole in our hearts. As empty is still empty. Missing is still missing. Nothing can fill it. Minute after minute. Hour after hour. Day after day. Month after month. Year after year... That space will remain.
4) No matter how long it has been, holidays and birthdays never become easier!
Imagine not having one of your children with you for these events. Unthinkable right? So that is why this is so damn hard. Nothing more.
5) Because I know deep sorrow. I also know unspeakable joy!
Though I will grieve the death of you, my Nicstar, forever and then some. It does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy. Quite the opposite actually. Through all of this, I now love stronger. I laugh louder. Life is more precious now. The joy I experience in every moment with your sisters and daddy is more profound now and more intense. I embrace every moment even the hard ones. I will be there for them no matter what and I will love them with my whole heart more fiercely than I ever knew possible. Because of losing you, my son, and knowing that unimaginable pain and suffering - When the joy comes it flows through every pore in my body. I feel it all. Deeply. I embrace it and thank God for it. My life is more rich and vibrant, not despite my loss but because of it. As with grief comes little gifts. Gifts that we must embrace and hold onto. These gifts don't make any of this 'worth it' in any way but they are a means for survival. As there is nothing and I mean nothing that I will ever take for granted especially when it comes to your sisters and our family. And this I can be thankful to you Nicstar. Being your mom Is the best gift I have ever been given and not even death can take that away.
I love you now. I will love you forever.
Always Mom.
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