One more!

Dear Nicholas 

I miss you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I miss your precious little feet and your soft smooth skin. I miss that cute little nose and those red beautiful lips. I miss the life you would have had and the laughs you so deserve. I miss the cries that will never happen and the hugs that will never be. 

I miss holding your little hand and stroking your face. I miss shouting at you from the side line to go for goals. I miss seeing you on your first and last day of school. I miss putting your drawings up on our fridge. I miss baking your favourite chocolate chip cookies. I miss seeing you go on your first date. I miss watching you get married to your beautiful wife. I miss you being the best dad in the world. 

I miss your whole life. The life that could have been. I would give anything to have you back. To have one more moment. One more second. One more. 

I love you

Love Mom 

Will I ever be ok?

Dear Nicholas 

Today I have woken up feeling lost and sad. And I can't seem to feel ok. I don't know if I will ever be ok. I see something so small, that means nothing but yet is able to change my mood in an instant. From feeling slightly ok to not at all. 

Im trying. I'm really trying to be happy but I feel like I'm just wearing a mask. I'm not truly happy anymore and I don't know how to get that back. I am doing things. I keep doing things to get my mind off my life, off reality, off what has happened but as soon as I stop, my thoughts go straight back to you, to the hurt, to this loss. I'm hurting so bad. I feel so different. I am not the same person I was before all of this. I see others moving on with everything, from all of this and I just can't. I can't let you go. I can't move on from losing you. I want you back so badly my son. I just want you back. 😰

Love Mom