Child loss and all the unanswered questions?

Dear Nicholas

I hear the words 'move on', 'let it go', 'you young, you will have other children'. And I nod, shrug my shoulders and smile. While all along I'm thinking about you and how none of those words ring true to my ears. 

For one, how do you move on from losing a child? How do you wake up everyday and not think of him or her? How do you not fall asleep and dream about your little boy or girl? If any parent has been blessed with unconditional love for their child, they will understand that no matter how you may think you can move on and let go, how can you? Your child is part of your soul. Part of who you are. So if you let go of that, in all essence, you are letting go part of yourself. So how? Please tell me how? But before you do, just take a second and think about how you would move on if you lost your child.

And the part about being young. Well yes, we will have other children. We will give you a brother or sister. But that doesn't change the fact that we wanted you. We wanted a life with our little Nicholas. We wanted to share our life with you. So yes, we will have other children in our future, but no one will ever replace our first born. No one will ever be our Nicholas. You are and will always be my son. A son I will have by my side and in my heart for all eternity until the day I can hold you in my arms again. 

So how do you respond to this? How do you react? I have found myself asking a lot of How's lately. And unfortunately there is and will never be a clear answer. As no one can answer that question. No one can answer 'how to get through a loss of a child?' And the reason for that is, the loss of a child is unthinkable. 

You lose a spouse, you become a widower. You lose a parent, you become an orphan. You lose a child, and there is no title, no name giving. Because it is unthinkable. It is not the right passage of life. Please in no means am I stating that any loss is less of a loss. A loss is a loss and it is devastating no matter the what, who or how. I know from experience of losing a father at an early age. All I'm saying is that a loss of a child is like losing a piece of your soul. Because as soon as you hold your child in your arms, there is no other love like that in the world. It spans higher than the highest mountains, larger than any universe, deeper than the deepest part of the ocean. It is unconditional and so grand. From the moment you hold your child in your arms, you know that your life has changed. You have giving up a piece of your heart and soul forever. And no one should ever have to lose that. No one should ever have to say goodbye forever. 

But here we are. Two parents with an angel baby. Two parents with no child in their arms. To parents that have lost a part of their souls and said goodbye. So as much as it is unthinkable. It happens. And it happens more than I ever thought possible. So you ask yourself, how does one move on and get through this? 

Well, I am still trying to figure that one out. As some days I feel like I am able to take the next step into the lighter more beautiful path and then a moment passes me by and I'm pushed right back into the shadows. The shadows of child loss. The shadows of unexplained pain and hurt. The reminder of what has happened staring me in the face. And most days I am able to take it head on, look deep into its eyes, stare right back and walk past. And others I am consumed by the dark painful eyes, get lost in them and break down. So once again, how? 

There will never be an answer to 'how do you survive child loss?' Because I don't think you can. I think we just carry on with our days because we have to. What else can we do? We have to get out of bed. We have to breath in and out. We have to laugh and smile when we can. We have to live. Because even though it is unbearable to live a life without your child, it is still your life. Only now it has changed. You have change.

Live your changed life as a changed person and walk your changed path. As it will never be easy again. It will never be the same. But the pain will ease someday. The hurt will subside to your deep subconscious. However, you will always remember. Your memories will stand strong. That will never change. 

I will never forget my baby boy. I will never forget my Nicholas. 

You should have been 1 month old today my baby boy. Instead you are 3 months old, up there in heaven. 

I love you and miss you with every beat of my heart. 

Love Mom 

I long for you

Dear Nicholas 

'I hear the waves of the ocean breaking and I long for you. I feel the rays of the sun beating down on me and I long for you. I see the moon and stars shine bright in the night sky and I long for you. I will long for you till the end of time.' 

Love Mom 

What it meant to lose you

 

Disappointments

Dear Nicholas 

What is disappointment in my life right now? 

The only way I can explain this is by saying how I feel. Right now, I feel like it is a never ending wall that stretches up to the sky above. And on the other side is everything that I am wanting and dying for. A wall with little steps towards the windows of hope along its way. A wall with a gigantic hole at the bottom leading to the dark shadows of sadness. A wall that creates a sense of hope but at the same time so much darkness. 

As in one moment you are happily climbing away, focusing on getting to the top and climbing over, being pushed by the windows of hope. And you are able to catch a glimpse of the other side. A side that brings so much happiness and so many blessings. A side where happy healthy babies live. Your siblings. 

But you climb and you climb. Using all your strength to hold onto the small steps of hope. Hold onto patience. Hold onto the notion of 'it will happen'. And then all of a sudden you lose your grip, you start to fall. And you just keep falling into the dark shadows of sadness. A wanting just taking away just like that. 

And now you are once again at the bottom. Trying to pull yourself out of the dark shadows to breath in some light. Trying to not let this overwhelming feeling of disappointment take over you. Trying to look up again as you know you have to just keep climbing as one day you will get to the other side. 

But how do you not let yourself get affected by these disappointments that appear every so often. How do you close yourself off to these. How to you not let your heart feel them. Because how do you just let go of something you want more than anything in this world. Something that was taking from you before you could experience the joy of it. 

Motherhood. That is all I want. It is all I think about. I see it everywhere I go. I feel it when I wake up and fall asleep. I see it in every child that crosses my path. My heart and soul aches for it. 

I know deep down that it is out of my control and I have to have faith that one day it will happen. But my day was supposed to be now. I was supposed to be holding my healthy little boy in my arms NOW. And yet I am left wanting once again. Wanting something I have wanted for two years now. I am left disappointed. I am left without a laughing baby. 

And right now I just don't know how to handle these disappointments. I don't know how to fill this huge gaping hole in my heart that was left when you were taking from me. 

I feel like I am in limbo. I feel like I can't control anything. I just feel empty. 

But I know I have to keep climbing. I just have to. As hard as it seems. It's the only thing I can do right now. 

But with all of this I keep praying for the same thing everyday. I pray for us to be blessed with a little one. To be blessed with the chance of being a mother and father to a living healthy child. Please! 

And with faith I ask the above and I know you hear my prayers. I know it will happen. 

I love you and I miss you Nicholas. Forever. 

Love Mom 

Blue Monday

Dear Nicholas. 

I miss you. 

I miss you like crazy, ever since you went away, every hour of every day. 

I love you with every beat of my heart. 

Love mom 

Our happiness is coming.

 

Just another Monday

Dear Nicholas

It is just another Monday. The start of a new week. Another day that we get into our cars and drive the long grey highway to wherever we are going. It is just another day. 

But today feels different. It is a day filled with hope. 

My eyes have been woken up to a glimmer of hope in the last few days. A country which was so broken has been giving a little ray of light. Some hope restored where darkness only existed. Our country has gone through a change. Yes, only a slight change. But a change non the less. The future of South Africa is looking a little brighter today. Because of hope, the country that we so love, has been able to see a little light despite all this darkness. 

And this made me think. It made me think that even during the darkest time, hope can still prevail. Even if it is just a sprinkle of hope dust, it can still exist. 

So I looked at our life as it stands on this Monday. A life with a shadow of darkness since you left us. A life with a hole of emptiness never to be filled by you. A hard life that carries on existing without you on this earth. And I know it is a dark time. I know it is a time we both never wished for. But it is our time. We are still living. We are still taking in the painful deep breaths every morning. We are here, right now, in this moment. And as hard as these moments are without you in our arms, I have to hold on to hope. I have to believe that even if something that we deeply want isn't happening right now, it doesn't mean that it will never happen. 

Because even in our darkest days, there is always a little light trying to pierce through. A smile from a friend to make us smile. A message from a family member to make our heart swell with love. A hug from a mom or dad to comfort our sadness. Kisses to each other to heal our aching hearts. A little ray of sunshine that brings us out of the shadows of darkness that is overcasting our days. 

So on just another Monday I have hope. I have hope flowing in every vein of my body. Hope, that even though we are going through the most difficult time of our lives, we will survive and be blessed beyond measure. And even though it is just a single thread of hope, it is still a very powerful thing. 

So in this moment. A moment where we feel the absence of light. Hope does exist because I have been blessed right now with sprinkles of light. Your Dad, our parents, our family, our friends, our doctor, you, my son. And I am grateful. 

I believe that a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles. 

A baby with a beating heart is a miracle, it is a blessing like no other. So today as I wish for another little miracle I am grateful for hope and life. I am grateful for your amazing Dad. For being my tower of strength and loving me every second of every day. I am grateful for our health that allows us to have another baby in the future. I am grateful for our special parents, your grandparents, and all their strength. For always taking care of us and loving us unconditionally. I am grateful for our family and friends, with their smiles and laughs and making each day a little better. I am grateful for our beautiful doctor. Someone who believes in our happy ever after and who is set on making it happen for us. And most of all I am grateful for you, my little Nicholas. For you have shown me patience. You have shown me that you need to live life everyday as in an instant it can disappear. You have giving me a love so intense and deep, a love of a mother for her beautiful little boy. And even though I am not able to hold you or rock you to sleep, I am grateful that I was blessed with you in my life. In my heart. Because you made me a mom. You made me a mom to a little angel. 

So I have hope that one day soon we will have another miracle and you will have a little sibling to call a brother or sister. A sibling you can watch over always just like you are doing for us. 

So my dear son, I will never stop believing in hope as miracles happen every day. We were blessed with you, our little miracle. 

Love Mom