A little prayer

Dear God 

They say everything happens for a reason? Maybe your plans are better than my dreams. But to think that the first thing my little nicstar saw was the face of Jesus, makes me feel relieved. He knew no pain, he knew no evil, he knew no sin. He will always be our purest little angel up in heaven. I would have loved to tell my nicstar about you, but since I will never get the chance, would you please hold him close in your lap and tell him about his mom and dad. How we love him with everything we have, how we tried so hard to protect him and how we miss him beyond measure. Place a gentle kiss on his forehead from us, a kiss filled with so much love from mom and dad! 

Amen! 

My broken/mended heart

Dear Nicholas 

The day you left us, you took my heart with you and in its place I was left with a shattered resemblance of a heart. An object broken into a thousand pieces. An empty space longing for our son back. We were left wanting. We were left hurt. We were left without you. 

And since that day, all we have been trying to do, is piece our hearts back together. Little by little. Trying to find a place for the jaggered edges. Trying to find a little heartbeat again. A beat that doesn't ache everytime it happens, or take your breath away. A peaceful beat that tells us that our hearts have healed just a little. 

So our time has come, and I thought to myself, this is it, my heart can finally start to heal. I can finally feel this outmost joy and feel some peace. But I was surprised that it didn't happened as I thought. Yes, I am feeling a lot of joy. And yes, I am feeling more at peace as what we have wanted for so long is happening. But I still feel like my heart is broken. Slightly mended but still broken. And this struck me as strange. 

I always thought that the moment I heard another little heartbeat I would feel like the world has righted itself and we would go back to normal. I would feel normal again. But I have learnt that, it is not true. I still feel very much changed. I still don't feel normal. 

I guess, what this has taught me, is that this is my normal. This is my new normal self. A happier self indeed but still a self with a piece of her heart very much missing. Very much empty. Very much still hurting. 

As you see Nic, my heart is still breaking for you. I still don't get to have you in my life. Yes, we are so very blessed with our little miracle, so very blessed and I am beyond happy that it has finally happened, but it doesn't bring you back and nothing ever will. Nothing will ever replace my Nicstar. For you are, and always will be my first born. You are, and always will be my son, a big brother! 

My broken heart may be slightly mended but it will always have a broken piece. It will always have a deep scar. It will always have a space with your name on it.

Always and forever, until we meet again! 

Love Mom 

Waves

Dear Nicholas

Today I felt like I was drowning. And that is weird since I'm a strong swimmer and would have never thought I would ever experience the sense of drowning. But today I did. 

I woke up with this gushing wave of sadness. A wave so huge that it took my breath away. I was unable to breathe. I had this crushing weight on my chest. Everything was closing in on me. I couldn't fight back, I just lay there with this pressure on my chest. I felt this wave crashing into my heart, over and over again. Breaking it into tiny pieces until you are left with nothing but grains of sand. You try to swim up to the light but as you reach the sign of fresh air another wave comes crashing down on you and the darkness just takes over until there is nothing left. No energy to swim back up. No energy to look up. You feel your lungs filling up with water. Water streaming out of your eyes. I want to scream for help but nothing. No words are able to surface. So you just lie there looking up at the light but know that today it is out of your reach. You know that you have no more energy to just swim up. You know that this is the hardest part, to just accept and let go. Because as soon as you relax and stop fighting, everything will be ok. You will find peace and float to the surface. 

But then you take to the water again, push yourself before you ready and know that this is not the last wave that is going to tear you apart. Your life from here on out is going to be filled with many more. So you need to learn how to swim. You need to learn how to keep afloat. You need to learn how to survive as hard as every breath, every step, every day is going be. 

I felt like I was drowning today. But I survived! 

I love you and miss you with everything I have. 

Love Mom 

Nothing about this is easy!

 

It's been a while

Dear Nicholas 

It's been a while since I wrote to you, my baby boy. 

I have been diving into another adventure to keep some happiness alive inside of me and most days it is working. I know you are my driving force and the voice inside my head telling me to focus and keep going. To keep reaching for my dreams and take charge of my life. It has been since the day I lost you that I have found a new meaning to life. 

Life is not just about going to work and pleasing people, doing the things you have to do, getting through the day, coming home and then getting a salary. That is not life. Life is not about how much money you make or what lifestyle you lead. Because if you live your life like that, how do you find the happiness everyday. 

I have learnt in these dark hours of my life that happiness is hard to come by. You can either be someone that wakes up and looks at life in the negative way. Someone who sees nothing but dark rays and grey clouds. Someone who will never show their laugh lines. Or you can be someone that opens her eyes, breathes in the new day, looks for even the little sprinkle of happiness in her wake to just allow her to get through the day. Because in dark days, how do you survive if you can't do that. 

I want to be that someone. I want to be that someone who has laugh lines and a happy sunshine glow. I want to make my gloomy day bright yellow again. 

And to achieve this, life has to be filled with dreams. Dreams that you wake up thinking about. Dreams that you stay up till midnight planning to achieve. Dreams that make your heart jump with just a little excitement. Dreams that one day will come true. Dreams of a mom that can stay home doing something she loves while being there for her children every day. 

And my Nicstar, it was ever since you became my angel that I obtained this new lease on life. That life is to short to say 'I will do it one day'. Because that 'one day' might never come! 

So I have stuck my nose into something that I know will make my dreams come true. My dream of having three beautiful children, two walking this earth and one learning to fly, and a mom that is able to be there for them every minute of the day. As my family will always come first. That is my dream. That is my journey. 

My dream is to firstly be a mom, to experience motherhood in all its beauty and to be the best wife and mother that I can be. And I know you will be guiding me every step of the way. That is my happiness. That is what gets me through my days. 

My soul. My beating heart. My everything. My Nicstar! 

I love you 

Mom 

One more!

Dear Nicholas 

I miss you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I miss your precious little feet and your soft smooth skin. I miss that cute little nose and those red beautiful lips. I miss the life you would have had and the laughs you so deserve. I miss the cries that will never happen and the hugs that will never be. 

I miss holding your little hand and stroking your face. I miss shouting at you from the side line to go for goals. I miss seeing you on your first and last day of school. I miss putting your drawings up on our fridge. I miss baking your favourite chocolate chip cookies. I miss seeing you go on your first date. I miss watching you get married to your beautiful wife. I miss you being the best dad in the world. 

I miss your whole life. The life that could have been. I would give anything to have you back. To have one more moment. One more second. One more. 

I love you

Love Mom 

Will I ever be ok?

Dear Nicholas 

Today I have woken up feeling lost and sad. And I can't seem to feel ok. I don't know if I will ever be ok. I see something so small, that means nothing but yet is able to change my mood in an instant. From feeling slightly ok to not at all. 

Im trying. I'm really trying to be happy but I feel like I'm just wearing a mask. I'm not truly happy anymore and I don't know how to get that back. I am doing things. I keep doing things to get my mind off my life, off reality, off what has happened but as soon as I stop, my thoughts go straight back to you, to the hurt, to this loss. I'm hurting so bad. I feel so different. I am not the same person I was before all of this. I see others moving on with everything, from all of this and I just can't. I can't let you go. I can't move on from losing you. I want you back so badly my son. I just want you back. 😰

Love Mom

Child loss and all the unanswered questions?

Dear Nicholas

I hear the words 'move on', 'let it go', 'you young, you will have other children'. And I nod, shrug my shoulders and smile. While all along I'm thinking about you and how none of those words ring true to my ears. 

For one, how do you move on from losing a child? How do you wake up everyday and not think of him or her? How do you not fall asleep and dream about your little boy or girl? If any parent has been blessed with unconditional love for their child, they will understand that no matter how you may think you can move on and let go, how can you? Your child is part of your soul. Part of who you are. So if you let go of that, in all essence, you are letting go part of yourself. So how? Please tell me how? But before you do, just take a second and think about how you would move on if you lost your child.

And the part about being young. Well yes, we will have other children. We will give you a brother or sister. But that doesn't change the fact that we wanted you. We wanted a life with our little Nicholas. We wanted to share our life with you. So yes, we will have other children in our future, but no one will ever replace our first born. No one will ever be our Nicholas. You are and will always be my son. A son I will have by my side and in my heart for all eternity until the day I can hold you in my arms again. 

So how do you respond to this? How do you react? I have found myself asking a lot of How's lately. And unfortunately there is and will never be a clear answer. As no one can answer that question. No one can answer 'how to get through a loss of a child?' And the reason for that is, the loss of a child is unthinkable. 

You lose a spouse, you become a widower. You lose a parent, you become an orphan. You lose a child, and there is no title, no name giving. Because it is unthinkable. It is not the right passage of life. Please in no means am I stating that any loss is less of a loss. A loss is a loss and it is devastating no matter the what, who or how. I know from experience of losing a father at an early age. All I'm saying is that a loss of a child is like losing a piece of your soul. Because as soon as you hold your child in your arms, there is no other love like that in the world. It spans higher than the highest mountains, larger than any universe, deeper than the deepest part of the ocean. It is unconditional and so grand. From the moment you hold your child in your arms, you know that your life has changed. You have giving up a piece of your heart and soul forever. And no one should ever have to lose that. No one should ever have to say goodbye forever. 

But here we are. Two parents with an angel baby. Two parents with no child in their arms. To parents that have lost a part of their souls and said goodbye. So as much as it is unthinkable. It happens. And it happens more than I ever thought possible. So you ask yourself, how does one move on and get through this? 

Well, I am still trying to figure that one out. As some days I feel like I am able to take the next step into the lighter more beautiful path and then a moment passes me by and I'm pushed right back into the shadows. The shadows of child loss. The shadows of unexplained pain and hurt. The reminder of what has happened staring me in the face. And most days I am able to take it head on, look deep into its eyes, stare right back and walk past. And others I am consumed by the dark painful eyes, get lost in them and break down. So once again, how? 

There will never be an answer to 'how do you survive child loss?' Because I don't think you can. I think we just carry on with our days because we have to. What else can we do? We have to get out of bed. We have to breath in and out. We have to laugh and smile when we can. We have to live. Because even though it is unbearable to live a life without your child, it is still your life. Only now it has changed. You have change.

Live your changed life as a changed person and walk your changed path. As it will never be easy again. It will never be the same. But the pain will ease someday. The hurt will subside to your deep subconscious. However, you will always remember. Your memories will stand strong. That will never change. 

I will never forget my baby boy. I will never forget my Nicholas. 

You should have been 1 month old today my baby boy. Instead you are 3 months old, up there in heaven. 

I love you and miss you with every beat of my heart. 

Love Mom 

I long for you

Dear Nicholas 

'I hear the waves of the ocean breaking and I long for you. I feel the rays of the sun beating down on me and I long for you. I see the moon and stars shine bright in the night sky and I long for you. I will long for you till the end of time.' 

Love Mom 

What it meant to lose you

 

Disappointments

Dear Nicholas 

What is disappointment in my life right now? 

The only way I can explain this is by saying how I feel. Right now, I feel like it is a never ending wall that stretches up to the sky above. And on the other side is everything that I am wanting and dying for. A wall with little steps towards the windows of hope along its way. A wall with a gigantic hole at the bottom leading to the dark shadows of sadness. A wall that creates a sense of hope but at the same time so much darkness. 

As in one moment you are happily climbing away, focusing on getting to the top and climbing over, being pushed by the windows of hope. And you are able to catch a glimpse of the other side. A side that brings so much happiness and so many blessings. A side where happy healthy babies live. Your siblings. 

But you climb and you climb. Using all your strength to hold onto the small steps of hope. Hold onto patience. Hold onto the notion of 'it will happen'. And then all of a sudden you lose your grip, you start to fall. And you just keep falling into the dark shadows of sadness. A wanting just taking away just like that. 

And now you are once again at the bottom. Trying to pull yourself out of the dark shadows to breath in some light. Trying to not let this overwhelming feeling of disappointment take over you. Trying to look up again as you know you have to just keep climbing as one day you will get to the other side. 

But how do you not let yourself get affected by these disappointments that appear every so often. How do you close yourself off to these. How to you not let your heart feel them. Because how do you just let go of something you want more than anything in this world. Something that was taking from you before you could experience the joy of it. 

Motherhood. That is all I want. It is all I think about. I see it everywhere I go. I feel it when I wake up and fall asleep. I see it in every child that crosses my path. My heart and soul aches for it. 

I know deep down that it is out of my control and I have to have faith that one day it will happen. But my day was supposed to be now. I was supposed to be holding my healthy little boy in my arms NOW. And yet I am left wanting once again. Wanting something I have wanted for two years now. I am left disappointed. I am left without a laughing baby. 

And right now I just don't know how to handle these disappointments. I don't know how to fill this huge gaping hole in my heart that was left when you were taking from me. 

I feel like I am in limbo. I feel like I can't control anything. I just feel empty. 

But I know I have to keep climbing. I just have to. As hard as it seems. It's the only thing I can do right now. 

But with all of this I keep praying for the same thing everyday. I pray for us to be blessed with a little one. To be blessed with the chance of being a mother and father to a living healthy child. Please! 

And with faith I ask the above and I know you hear my prayers. I know it will happen. 

I love you and I miss you Nicholas. Forever. 

Love Mom 

Blue Monday

Dear Nicholas. 

I miss you. 

I miss you like crazy, ever since you went away, every hour of every day. 

I love you with every beat of my heart. 

Love mom 

Our happiness is coming.

 

Just another Monday

Dear Nicholas

It is just another Monday. The start of a new week. Another day that we get into our cars and drive the long grey highway to wherever we are going. It is just another day. 

But today feels different. It is a day filled with hope. 

My eyes have been woken up to a glimmer of hope in the last few days. A country which was so broken has been giving a little ray of light. Some hope restored where darkness only existed. Our country has gone through a change. Yes, only a slight change. But a change non the less. The future of South Africa is looking a little brighter today. Because of hope, the country that we so love, has been able to see a little light despite all this darkness. 

And this made me think. It made me think that even during the darkest time, hope can still prevail. Even if it is just a sprinkle of hope dust, it can still exist. 

So I looked at our life as it stands on this Monday. A life with a shadow of darkness since you left us. A life with a hole of emptiness never to be filled by you. A hard life that carries on existing without you on this earth. And I know it is a dark time. I know it is a time we both never wished for. But it is our time. We are still living. We are still taking in the painful deep breaths every morning. We are here, right now, in this moment. And as hard as these moments are without you in our arms, I have to hold on to hope. I have to believe that even if something that we deeply want isn't happening right now, it doesn't mean that it will never happen. 

Because even in our darkest days, there is always a little light trying to pierce through. A smile from a friend to make us smile. A message from a family member to make our heart swell with love. A hug from a mom or dad to comfort our sadness. Kisses to each other to heal our aching hearts. A little ray of sunshine that brings us out of the shadows of darkness that is overcasting our days. 

So on just another Monday I have hope. I have hope flowing in every vein of my body. Hope, that even though we are going through the most difficult time of our lives, we will survive and be blessed beyond measure. And even though it is just a single thread of hope, it is still a very powerful thing. 

So in this moment. A moment where we feel the absence of light. Hope does exist because I have been blessed right now with sprinkles of light. Your Dad, our parents, our family, our friends, our doctor, you, my son. And I am grateful. 

I believe that a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles. 

A baby with a beating heart is a miracle, it is a blessing like no other. So today as I wish for another little miracle I am grateful for hope and life. I am grateful for your amazing Dad. For being my tower of strength and loving me every second of every day. I am grateful for our health that allows us to have another baby in the future. I am grateful for our special parents, your grandparents, and all their strength. For always taking care of us and loving us unconditionally. I am grateful for our family and friends, with their smiles and laughs and making each day a little better. I am grateful for our beautiful doctor. Someone who believes in our happy ever after and who is set on making it happen for us. And most of all I am grateful for you, my little Nicholas. For you have shown me patience. You have shown me that you need to live life everyday as in an instant it can disappear. You have giving me a love so intense and deep, a love of a mother for her beautiful little boy. And even though I am not able to hold you or rock you to sleep, I am grateful that I was blessed with you in my life. In my heart. Because you made me a mom. You made me a mom to a little angel. 

So I have hope that one day soon we will have another miracle and you will have a little sibling to call a brother or sister. A sibling you can watch over always just like you are doing for us. 

So my dear son, I will never stop believing in hope as miracles happen every day. We were blessed with you, our little miracle. 

Love Mom 

All my senses

Dear Nicholas

I am just sad. Plain and simple. 

I hear the sound of my heart breaking. It's pain I can not explain. I hear my heart beating, but yours is no longer able to. I hear my thoughts telling me it is going to be ok. But when might that be.

I touch your blankets and I long to snuggle you in them. I run my fingers through your soft wraps and long to touch your soft skin. I touch your beautiful clothes and know I will never get to dress you in them. 

I see children playing and laughing, but know I will never have that with you. I see pregnant moms smiling and all I do is long for you. I see family and friends moving on with their lives and I just see my life without you. 

I smell the baby powder in the cupboard, never to be used. I smell the baby cologne that was meant for you and know what I have lost. I smell the baby cream and long for your new born scent. 

I taste pain. I taste hurt. I taste anger. I taste jealousy. I taste sadness in everything I do. I feel everything now a days. Every emotion. All my senses are so high on the scale. I sometimes can not breathe. 

I speak that I am ok. But am I really. I speak about you and tell my story just to keep your memory alive. I speak because I want people to know that I love my son dearly. I speak through a smile but behind the mask is just pain. I speak because I miss you. I miss you every second, minute, hour of the day. 

Everyday I will miss you. Everyday I will long for you. Everyday I will pray that I will see you again. My son, my heart, my forever. 

Love Mom 

I miss you

 

Our parallel universe

Dear Nicholas

If only it was possible to have another universe out there where everything would happen exactly as it would in this one but with a slightly different outcome. You were born a healthy beautiful baby boy on this very day. 

This is our parallel universe. 

It's 2am in the morning. I wake up feeling slightly different. I am tossing and turning, unable to sleep due to my gigantic belly. I feel anxious and a little scared. The hours are ticking by so I decide to get out of bed. Feeling exhausted, I drag my heavy feet to the kitchen with this weight in my stomach. I look down and notice that my belly has dropped. It's time. It has to be time. 

Of course, the hunger pains of pregnancy kick in and I forget about everything. I am on the attack. The light of the fridge shines bright. Yes, it's 6am in the morning, and yes, I am eating olives. Who in their right mind would tell a pregnant lady she can't do that and that she is crazy? I know I wouldn't. So I open the jar and off they go, one by one. Satisfied. 

I am staring at my cupboard about to get dressed. A feat that every full term pregnant lady knows is an exhausting event. First, it is picking out your tent like clothes. Then, it is trying to find the energy to actually put them on. Trying to reach your toes to put your socks on or pick up your legs to put your pants on. An hour later and you are done. Socks, shoes and pants on. Now for the other half. 

I stand there looking in the mirror watching you dance and kick in my belly to my favourite song of the day. A big smile planted on my face. My heart is glowing. I think to myself, today could be the day we get to meet our little guy. I am staring into space, imagining what you would look like. What colour your eyes would be? Will you have a mop of hair? I feel a strange sensation and I know it's time to call the doctor. 

Off I go, excited to get to the doctor. Maybe it's nothing, but maybe, just maybe we are having a baby today. I am cruising the winding roads, staring ahead at our exhilarating future. I reach for my phone and call your dad. "Don't worry Hubby, it's probably nothing." "It's probably just false labour like the three times before." He smiles on the other side and says, "I am on my way."

Seated in the bright sunshine filled reception area, I wait. Oh how I can not contain my excitement. You have been tap dancing around in my belly the whole drive. "Ouch!" There goes one in the ribs. "Thanks baby boy." I see the doctor come around the corner with her calming smile and easy nature. She calls me in. She says through her smile, "Let's just scan our little fella and see how his doing." I leap onto the bed. 😜 Oh come on, I'm pregnant. My movement is like moving a ten ton whale on a beach. I slowly left myself up, one big heave, one big breath and I'm up, lying on the bed. The screen comes alive and there you are. The sound of your strong beating heart. Our son showing us his humour with his tiny peace sign like always. 

I am lying there, thrilled but nervous. The doctor turns to me with a glow on her face and  I hear the best words a mom could hear. "It's time, your baby boy is coming." I jump off the bed, well I think I jump. I waddle to my phone and dial your dads number. He answers in one ring. " It's time Hubby. We are having a baby." "I am running up the stairs" is all I hear behind an out of breath, nervous but happy laugh. 

Our family is notified. Our friends are called. Excitement is in the air. We are booked into a private room. Our little baby hotel room for three days.

And now we wait. 

My contractions have started to cause me some discomfort. Sometimes I can talk through them, other times I have to breathe calmly. An hour later and I'm shouting instead of talking and the calm breathing has turned to a rapid pace and is not very calming. Your dad is beside me rubbing my back, telling me to focus on my breathing and not just make the sound. Oh, how I want to shout at him right now. But I can't, I'm making the sound of breathing for heavens sake. An hour later I'm screaming for the meds. "Give me the medicine." "I need the drugs." Your dad goes to the door and looks out. He tells me the anaesthetist is on his way. "I can see him," he says. That was an hour ago. But right now I don't know if a second, a minute or an hour has gone by. I'm just focusing on my breathing and moving my hips. 

My night in shining armour finally arrives with the miracle drug. He is all calm and collected in his green scrubs. I'm a nervous wreck in excruciating pain. Your dad has stopped coaching me as all I'm doing is screaming in pain and making funny breathing sounds. He is still attempting to rub my back though. The doctor takes out his big needle and tells me I'm going to feel a slight pressure. "I don't care at this moment just give me the drugs," I scream. 

Bliss. Absolute bliss. I can't feel my right leg. Then my left leg. It is all numb. Your dad looks into my big blue eyes and I'm smiling. A big fat smile. I lie down comfortably as if I am in my own bed, just with no feeling in my legs. I'm 5cm dilated. 5 more to go. What a difference. From agonising pain to drifting out to sleep with numb legs, but no pain. I'm on cloud nine. And then my water breaks. Well that is a weird and fascinating sight. 

I wake up as the nurse arrives to check up on me. She looks up at the machine monitoring my contractions and an amazing look crosses her face. "It looks good." she says. I'm 10cm dilated. It's time. Both your dad and myself are elated. Now the hard work begins. 

I chase your dad to the top of the bed. There is no ways he is watching this event. I want him squeezing my hand and looking into my eyes up here at the head of the bed. I get the call to start pushing.


"You are nearly there." And then all we hear is a gushing sound. A wave of water splashing off the walls. All we see are the nurses and our doctor diving out the way. We both look at each other. "What was that?" your dad asks. "My mistake" the doctor says. "I told you to push while I broke another membrane." Well that was unexpected. Stitches of laughter fill the room. And then....

...Crying. Big loud beautiful crying. A sound so loud that I know you are my child. I look at your dad with tears running down both our cheeks. "Congratulations, you have a beautiful, healthy little son." 

We are holding you in our arms beaming with such pride, such happiness, such unconditional love. 10 fingers. 10 toes. The most perfect little nose and softest little feet. You look just like your dad, a splitting image. We have put you in your tiny orange bennie and bright orange outfit bought by your cousin Roxy. It's says, 'Done my time for 9 months.' Our family and friends come by to meet you. They hold you and you give them a little taste of your coolness. A little smile. A little rumble. A little gas. We are all radiating with happiness. 

"What's his name?" we are asked.  We respond, "It's Nicholas Jorge Piotis."

If only that was today.

Love Mom 

 

 

Hello and Goodbye

 

Hours of the clock

Dear Nicholas

Some days are like walking on hot coals. Just painful to get through. I feel like I am living in an animated world, a cartoon where every hour brings on a different feeling. A different emotion. A different self.

6am- I wake up. I stare at the ceiling and have to tell myself, it's time to get out of bed. It's time to breath in and out. It's time to face another day without you in our lives. 

7am- I am in my car. Driving once again fully aware that you are not with me anymore. My song that I have dedicated to you is playing on the radio, but I am not listening. I am just focusing on what lies ahead. The next stop sign. The next speed bump. The next drive without you. 

8am- I'm sitting at my desk. Looking through my screen, not at my screen because I've lost focus. I can't see anything. It is just blank. This blank screen staring back at me. This normal life that I have to get back to. But I don't feel normal at all anymore. A normal life is not normal without you. 

9am- I'm in the freezing cold. Standing on my two feet, teaching. Teaching children how to take part in sport. A love I have always had. But now I'm standing there, hearing words coming out of my mouth, speaking to another Nicholas and all the while I'm thinking to myself, what would my Nicholas be doing at this age?. A grand reminder that I am no longer with my son. 

10am- It's break time. A moment of relaxation. A moment for myself. A moment to eat my lunch. Another moment I am not with you. 

11am- I am back on the sports field, shouting now at children because I have just had enough. I'm angry. I am all of a sudden angry at the world. At myself. At everyone in it. Waiting for someone to say or do something wrong to me to just tip me over the edge. I am angry because you were taken from me. 

12pm- I am in a meeting. Once again trying to focus on words, so many words. And I look up and see people who care about me, who want to just take my pain away and I feel helpless. I feel hurt and pain because why am I the one sitting here with all of this. Why have I been chosen to bear a life without my son. 

1pm- Coaching soccer. A game both myself and your dad love. A game we both have so much passion for. A game I know would have put a smile on your face. But now what? It's a game that will forever miss you. Boots that will never be worn. A Mommy never to be on the side line using her loud voice to cheer you on or scream at the refs. A Daddy never to show you some cool tricks and some great skills. Never to be. 

2pm- We are in need of milk and cheese so it's time to get back in the car and go get groceries. Such a normal daily task. But a task that feels so strange. A daily routine that you used to accompany me. A routine that is no longer the same. 

3pm- Home time. Yay! But wait, home is staring at the tv. Staring at the walls. Walking past your nursery. Seeing all the bottles and clothes. Being sad. Just unbelievably sad. Because you should have been here.  You should be lying in your cot, rocking in your chair, playing on your gym with Mommy, laughing. But nothing. Just silence. 

4pm- Friends. My favourite series. Something that somehow amongst all this darkness brings me comfort and makes me smile just a little. My little piece of sunshine amongst these dark grey clouds. A piece I know I would have been sharing with you. Oh the longing I have to just hear you laugh my beautiful boy. What I would do for that sound. 

5pm- Sadness. That's all. 

6pm- Back to life now. It's time to cook again. Cook something to feed our empty souls. But there is no energy. What's the point. 

7pm- Our indoor game of soccer comes along. Another little rainbow to our day. Boots on. Shin pads on. Game face on. Energy is back. GOAL. Of course, do you think anything else would come from your parents. A few smiles. A few laughs. A lighter heart. 

8pm- Hunger. Yes hunger for food. Our body is craving some energy. But we sit here with blank expressions on our faces. Back to a normal routine and all we do is think of you. I think of myself never being able to feed you. Never being able to shout at you, "Eat all your vegetables Nicholas."So many moments never to be. 

9pm- It is winter time so the night is dark. The weather is chilling. The best place to be is in bed. Cuddled under the blankets where your feet stay warm. A place where your mind needs to relax and drift off to sleep. A place where my mind drifts off to another world. A world with you in it. 

10pm- I dream of you crying in my arms. I dream of your beautiful smile. I dream of you taking your first step, loosing your first tooth, speaking your first word. And my heart swells. My heart swells with this unconditional, higher than the highest mountain type of love. A dream where your smile brightens my day. 

11pm- Happiness. A glowing heart. 

12am-  Screams. Screams. Screams. Wake up. Just wake up. It's just a dream. It can not be true. No, don't say those words. There has to be a heartbeat. Screams. 

1am-  Reality wakes me up. It is true. You are gone. 

2am- Sadness. Deep agonizing Sadness.

3am- The feeling of pain. 

4am- The sound of my heart breaking. 

5am- I am telling myself, just stop hurting. Please just stop hurting. Someone take this pain away. Please. 

6am- Tears and the alarm. Another day starts. I have to do this all over again. 

You see my dear boy, I am an emotional roller coaster at the moment. Up. Down. Twists and turns. Being thrust forward. Coming to a halt. I don't know whether to look up, down or straight ahead. 

One moment I'm ok, facing this new life that I have been dealt. Trying to come to terms with it. I sometimes even manage to smile and laugh. And then a moment later, I am a ball of anger, waiting to explode. Then I'm smiling and ok. Then comes the moments of hurt and pain. Dreams and nightmares. And then I have to do it all over again. That's my life right now. Those are my hours. My hours without you. 

Love Mom 

Our story

Dear Nicholas

Our dream started on the 23 of November 2015. It was the date you ventured into our lives. You were a tiny spec. A positive sign on a test. A future we so wanted. It was on this day that we found out we were pregnant with you. 

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. A day of decisions. Deciding to go past the shops to pick up a pregnancy test. Deciding once I was home if I should wait for your dad or just go for it. But I couldn't wait. My curious and excited self had to know. So I did the test and who would have guessed, the words PREGNANT flashed on the tiny screen. I was overwhelmed with happiness. I wanted to jump up and scream but of course I was limited by my pants around my ankles. 😜 

But oh did I celebrate. I ran up and down the corridor, with my pants up of course, shouting to the walls, "We're Pregnant, we're pregnant, can you believe it." I then stopped for a moment, looked at my phone and thought to myself, do I phone your dad now or do I surprise him? But I couldn't wait. I couldn't help but share this amazing news. So I picked up the phone and just shouted over the phone. "You are going to be a dad, we are pregnant." And I could feel him smiling on the other end. I was smiling so hard that all my pearly whites were showing. And we celebrated. We celebrated you coming into our lives that night. Myself with my water, your dad with his beer and your grandparents with their wine. There were tears, laughs and so much happiness. 

The 7 and a half months from then are kind of a blur. You showed me how to be patient with my body while you started to grow causing havoc inside me. You showed me that curry was not my friend and you didn't like the taste to much. You showed me that olives were your number one fan. 

You started to grow day by day and on our 12 week scan we couldn't believe our eyes or ears. That little bean we once saw was now a beautiful little boy and your heartbeat was the most amazing sound. You were our little beating bean. 

The first time I felt you I was 18 weeks. How to describe it? Well, it felt like gas.😜 And like many pregnant women would know, gas is quite common and a natural thing in pregnancy. But this felt slightly different and I knew it was you. It got stronger every week. From little flutters, to rumbles, to tumbles, to full blown kicks. It was the best feeling in the world. 

We started to read to you every night. It must have been a mumble to you, like we were talking through water, but it was our special family time. A bed time story read by your Dad while you listened and kicked in my belly. A memory I will hold onto for the rest of my life. 

But my baby boy, you see, we knew you were special from the moment we saw that pregnant word on that screen, but at the time I didn't know how VERY special you were. 

Our nightmare started on the 27 of May 2016. It was the day you decided to become our angel forever. It was the day you left us. 

I woke up on Friday morning feeling very sad and anxious. It was as if I knew at 6am, that today was going to be the hardest day of my life. I hadn't felt you move since you kicked me so hard in my ribs the day before and I started to get worried. So I got up and raided the fridge. I drank coke. I ate candy. I made myself some hot chocolate. Anything to get a kick of sugar so I could feel you move. NOTHING. 

I felt nothing but a huge sense of fear. Fear because my beautiful and hard stomach was no longer. Fear because you were no longer kicking. 

Off to the doctor I went for my first unscheduled appointment. Not knowing what was in store for me. What I thought was just myself being paranoid, turned out to be very real. A mothers worst nightmare.

You were 31weeks old. I lay on the doctors bed with the transducer on my belly and nothing. There was nothing happening on the screen. I knew, before the doctor even turned towards me with tears in her eyes, that you were gone. It was then confirmed by words that will haunt me for the rest of my life. 'There is no heartbeat. I am so sorry.'

I lay there, emotionless, stunned beyond recognition as I didn't think I was hearing right. What? How? Why? 

What just happened? How did this happen? Why, oh the thousand whys? 

You were gone, never to return. Now what? How do you phone the person who you love the most in this world and tell him, his son is gone. I dialed the number 6 times and put down. Staring at the screen, I just knew I had to. I had to find the strength. And finally I dialed and your dad picked up. I needed your dad by my side. And wow, did he get to me in a matter of seconds. I still remember his stunned voice on the phone. A phone call so different from when I told him we were pregnant. A smile replaced by tears. 

And then we were thrust into something that we never thought would happen to us. We had to hold onto each other for so much strength. Because the next step was going to destroy us. We had to bring you into this world. We had to decide between natural birth or a c-section. A decision we thought we had a few weeks to make. And then came the decider. 'If you do natural, you can try again basically right away. If you do a c-section, you will have to wait about 18 months.'  We looked at each other and our desicion was pretty clear. I was going to give birth to my beautiful sleeping baby boy the natural way. 

It took three days for you to make your appearance. Three long days. You definitely got your stubborness from me, your mother. But what a beautiful sight you were. The moment you were placed into our arms, you took our breath away. You looked exactly like a tiny version of your dad, sleeping peacefully with his mouth open. You had the softest little feet and the most precious little nose. You were our whole heart. With tears streaming down our cheeks, we had to say our goodbyes. We had to say goodbye to our first born son. A moment in my life that will always stay with me. Because how does any parent say goodbye to their baby forever. It's just not natural. 

But with your strength helping us and your dads unconditional love for both of us, we got through the worst weekend of our lives. We had achieved the step we wanted to and did it perfectly. It was the perfect birth to a perfect little boy. It even had a few funny moments, which will be our little secret. 😜 

So there we were, a mom and dad, sitting in a hospital room with no crying baby to hold or comfort. Just empty. Just two people trying to breathe in and out. Two people trying to survive. 

We left the hospital with a new title. A title we both would change for just one more minute with you. A title of a mom and a dad to a baby with wings. 

And you see son. Ever since that day, the day we took our first step as parents to an angel baby, we have just been surviving. Our steps started very small. Very painful. They then grew slightly bigger and more sturdy yet still very painful. Some days it's easy to take a step forward. But Some days we take 5 steps back. Because no one will ever know how to deal with something like this. 

We are surviving right now because our story can not end like this. We are surviving because that is all we can do right now. We are surviving because we both know some day we will be holding you again. And when that day comes, it will be a nightmare turned back into a dream come true. 

We love you Nicholas with everything we have. Forever in our hearts. Never forgotten. 

Love Mom and Dad 

The gun shot. My bleeding wound

A trigger in child loss is like pulling the trigger of a gun. It goes off so quickly, penetrates your blush skin, splinters your bones and shatters your heart. 

It happens unexpectedly. You don't even know it's happening to you until it is to late. You think you have built up brick walls to help you survive, to not let the pain in but somehow it still gets through. Your eyes are blinded to what is happening around you, until the trigger goes off and you find yourself crumpled on the floor. Bleeding from your heart. Crying from your naive eyes. Lying there in pain. 

Your wound is once again wide open. 

There is no manuel to how to handle losing a baby. It just happens and you have to figure out how to survive. And that is how I am finding this whole journey. Things just happen. Triggers just happen. The gun goes off when you least expect it. It makes you want to scream out to the world. Scream because you angry. Scream because you want to release your pain. Scream because life is just so unfair. 

Many people who have gone through an ordeal like us, will know what these bullet holes called triggers are and what they can do to you. But every bullet is different for everyone. Yes, some may be similar. But everyone will react to their bleeding wound in their own way. 

So I am finding myself with a few triggers of my own. Seeing pregnant ladies. Holding new born babies. Seeing toddlers laughing and playing. My own personal bullet holes. Ones that open my eyes up to the unbelievable pain of losing my baby. Ones that open the doorway to my heartache. Ones that bring the rush of memories back to my unwanting mind. Ones that remind me of this life. This very unfair life. 

I have been told by so many wise and insightful people that are on the same journey as me, that this is normal. It is normal to feel like you don't want to be around when the gun goes off. Because who would want to open up that wound day in and day out. Where you find yourselves heaving in your loved ones arms from this deep reaching heartache that just doesn't seem to disappear.

But what I am struggling to come to terms with, Is how do you change your genetically built self? This is not me. I am not a selfish person. I always think of others before me. But what if it's YOU who is destroying your own self. It is YOU who is bringing this shattering pain into your life. 

You see, us angel moms have gone through something unimaginable. Something that we ourselves can not explain. You can't explain our broken soul, our gut reaching pain, our life without our baby. 

So it comes a time in our grief journey that we have to protect ourselves. And like with time, it may be years, it may be months, it may be days, but we have to give it time. We have to build those brick walls to help keep the bullets out. We have to look after ourselves, after our own hearts. Because if we don't, this journey that we did not wish for, will never get easier. It will never have light. It will never bring healing to our forever broken hearts. 

My time now is very recent so I have decided to protect myself, just for a little while. Just while my bullet holes are to fresh to handle. I know someday they will heal and be filled with scar tissue. A scar that will forever be.

But for now I am looking after my bleeding wound. For now I am protecting my grieving heart. 

For you in the clouds above

 

Our star above

Dreams. Brightness. Darkness and Rainbows

Dear Me

Thinking. Well it’s become a past time of mine lately. Staring at a wall just thinking about life until my eyes close and I drift off into a world of dreams, brightness, darkness and rainbows.

People always tell you to go for your dreams, make it happen. There are quotes and sayings about it. Everyone thinks they are on the right path to achieve this or are at least trying to get there someday. But sometimes you find yourself stuck, a concrete wall built so high up preventing you from just simply starting to climb towards that dream. To walk that path.

I mean, life can be so unpredictable. You can chose a path that you feel is the most desired one to take. A path where you see a bright future. One with very few obstacles along the way. As life can be beautiful and you can find yourself on this unwinding path with a view that can take your breath away.

And then in a split second you are thrust into an entirely different path. One that you never saw entering into your life, where the obstacles seem to massive to overcome and the view is dark and gloomy, filled with heartache and pain.

But then there is another path where fantasies live and dreams do come true. A path that is lite up with hope and faith. One where there are great obstacles along the way but are possible to break down. Just a pebble in your step. A path that has no end and all you can see is rainbows and sunshine. One that spills out happiness.

So which one do you chose? Which one do you chose to stay on?

This is a choice I have come to realize that no one can make in their life. There is not one path for anyone. There are many. We go through life, thinking we are living, walking the right path. One we feel we have chosen for ourselves. But what happens when we deviate? What happens when we are hit by a meteor we didn’t see coming? What happens when we are just sitting on a path but not living? Do we change paths?

Well, I believe we stay on the same path that has been set out for us from the very moment we took our first breath. Yes we have choices of our path design, the way it looks. But we do not have a choice of its establishment or how it will come to an end. We just control how to live and react on our path.

Because everything is combined. There will be times when you find yourself on your chosen path, where the future is bright. And then the path’s colour might change and turn to one of darkness and pain. But you hold on during that time because you have to, you have to live. So once again you take another step and your path turns a shade lighter where you might be able to see rainbows and sunshine falling upon you. You may be able to see happiness. And then repeat.

So you see, your path is never set in stone nor was it one that you had a choice for. Your path was always going to be built that way, it was always going to have brightness, darkness and rainbows. Your only choice is how you decide to live on it and that will determine the view. 

So as you walk along your path, look ahead, because as you take that one step, you will realize that there is so much more to your life then the step you were stuck on.

Take that one step towards your dream, towards your desired view. Just one, and see what happens.

Love Me

A step forward

Dear Nicholas

Today was a special day, it was the day our amazing doctor told us that a new adventure could start again. It was the day that we were told that a future pregnancy with either your brother or sister is on the cards.

Everyday since you left us has felt like a lifetime. We look at each day as a step towards something. A step towards giving birth to you. A step towards walking out the doors of the hospital alone. A step towards healing after your birth. A step towards our next appointment. A step towards a life without you.

And now we know our next step. It is a step towards your brother or sister coming into our lives. Yes, we don’t know when this may be, that is out of our control, but the thought of it is our next step.

As you see my son, in order to get through this hard and painful journey we find ourselves in, we have to have steps in our lives. They are getting us through the hours, the days, the weeks. We have to focus on the future and believe that happiness is on the horizon. We have to have faith. As if we don’t do this, I’m afraid our heartache is so intense that it will lead us down a dark road.

So we are taking the steps. Hour by hour. Day by day. And even though we are wanting to bring a living baby into this world, a brother or sister for you, our heart will still have a piece missing. That piece will always belong to you. The big brother. Our beautiful son who flies with angel wings. You will be in every moment, in every thought, in every smile, in every memory, you will be there with us in our heart and soul forever. Our first born child.

Today was a good day. Today was a day we took another step forward.

Love Mom

Forever changed

Dear Nicholas

My notebook is in front of me. My pen is in my hand. I’m trying to write my thoughts, my plans, my everyday life that is still ahead of me. And yet, I stare at the page, it’s blank.

My vision has turned from one of colour into one of grey. This person who had all this energy for life, for her job, for everything, is now an empty broken shell. I used to be this person that loved life and, wow, did I enjoy embracing it everyday. But what now?

I sit here today, I feel as blank as the page I’m staring at. I feel so changed. I feel so empty. I feel like I have lost such an essential part of myself.

I sit in the corner and I smile. A smile with so much pain behind. I sit and I listen to chatter, to laughter, to life being lived. I sit there and all I’m doing is wishing that life would just stop, just for a moment, so I can tell myself to breath in and out, to enjoy the present, to embrace the moment.

But how do I do that? How do I just sit there and not think of you? How do I breath in and out when I know you no longer can? How do I enjoy the present when you are not here to enjoy it with me? How do I embrace moments when all I want in this life is you? How?

So I realise that even though I am still me and I still do everything I used to do. I am changed and forever will be. As who could stay the same after losing such a precious part of herself. I am now a little stronger and a little wiser. I know now that life can change in a blink of an eye. I have gained new perspectives in everything I do.

I am now a mother to a baby with wings and no one will ever know the love I have for you. As how do I explain a love so grand, a love that is unconditional, a love that will take your breath away.

So what is my next step? How do I do this?

Well, I put one foot in front of the other. I smile even though I am hurting. I embrace moments even though I miss you. I do this because I know I have to keep living. I know I have to keep breathing. I know I have to do this for you.

Because yes I am forever changed. I will forever be a mother to a beautiful baby boy who is learning how to fly.

Love Mom

Champions

Dear Nicholas

You were born into this world as half Greek and half Portugese. Yes, many people would say, “that is one hairy and loud combination”. But I would say, “it is the best combo in the world”.

And well, today I am very proud to be Portugese as my love for soccer has granted me this. Portugal went on to win the soccer Euro 2016.

Myself and your dad were glued to the tv, watching every moment of the game. Well, I was glued to the tv, your dad was there to support me and laugh at me screaming and jumping around. Even though I know deep down inside he was happy for Portugal. 

The final whistle blew after a lethargic game of 90mins. Extra time came around and finally Portugal decided to play exciting soccer, keeping me at the edge of my couch. I was sitting there focusing on the game and all of a sudden I just said your name in my head. I asked you, since you are half Portugese, to help your country become Hero’s of this game. The game I know you would have loved. The game both your parents love. You would be playing soccer before you could walk my son.

And of course, you did it. Your half country became champions of the soccer Euro 2016. You made your mom jump up and down with so much excitement and your dad laugh as he watched it all happen. It was a good moment. A moment we have not had in a while. It was a moment that I found myself doing a lot of wishing, I wished you were still with me to hear how my heart rate increased, to hear my mumbled screams and laughs, to feel my excitement, and I know you would have been kicking and smiling in my stomach too. 

It was a great moment, yet something was still missing, you.

I don’t know if that longing for you to be in my life will ever pass. I don’t know if everything, everyday will keep reminding me of you. I don’t know if breathing without you will become easier. I don’t know? I do know that I will miss you always, that my love for you will be forever, and that I can clearly talk to you anytime I want to. I know this because I hear you in my heart.

So our Sunday was filled with a happy moment, a moment I believe you granted us. A moment that we laughed, smiled and lived. A moment because of you.

Love Mom

Walking in these shoes

Dear Nicholas

Oh, how I miss you so. Walking this journey is just to hard. I feel like I am wearing the heaviest shoes in the world.

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wake up and put them on, and I just wish I could have another pair. Some days these shoes hurt so bad that I don’t think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

Everyone I meet looks strangely at these shoes. Looks of sadness and sympathy. And I can tell by others eyes that they are so glad that they don’t have to walk in these shoes. They shy away from talking about my shoes as to learn how awful my shoes are, might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I do realize that I am not the only one wearing these agonizing shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some moms are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learnt how to walk in them so they don’t hurt as much. Some have worn them for so long that days will go by before they think of how much it hurts.

No mom deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, we were chosen to wear them. And in that, they have made me stronger. They have giving me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. Forever changed.

I will forever walk in these shoes, the shoes of a mother who has lost a child.

A mother that has lost her dear son.

Love Mom

The road ahead

Dear Nicholas

This road of grief that we find ourselves walking down is one hard journey with boulders, deep potholes and signs along the way. Boulders that are so strong, deep potholes that will never be filled and signs that show us the way.

The boulders on my journey are all these strong feelings and emotions that I am facing. Feelings that one day I am able to handle and the next day I am so overwhelmed that I want to scream or throw something. Feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, emptiness and Fear.

I’m angry that this happened to us. I’m jealous that everyone else gets their little happy ending. I am filled with so much sadness because someone I love so much was taken from me. I feel so lonely without you, my baby boy. And I am so empty as I have this longing to be a mother yet I find you are not in my arms. And fear, oh my word, the fear. How do I do this all over again? How do I get through another 9 months when I have experienced the worse possible thing in pregnancy.

And then comes the potholes that will never be filled. My arms that will never hold you. The cot that sleeps alone. The chair that will never rock you. The playground that will never hear your laugh. The clothes that will never have your scent. My heart that will never be whole again.

But then as we approach the signs in our journey it provides us with some light. Something that we have to hold onto or else we might just lose our souls to the dark depths of the ocean. Signs of hope that your little brother or sister will come into our lives. Signs of happiness that someday soon we will have the sounds of our children laughing in our home. Signs of joy that we are so deserving of. And most importantly, signs of faith. Faith in our doctor to guide us along this road to our happy little family. Faith in us to take each day as it comes and keep focusing on each step. Faith in myself and my body that it will keep your brother or sister safe. Faith that we will be parents to an earthly child. And faith in God. Faith that he will bless us with all our dreams and wants. Bless us with a little living being with ten fingers and ten toes.

So my dear boy, even though this is the hardest road I have ever had to walk, I know you are beside me every step of the way, showing me all the signs.

Love Mom