The day you left us, you took my heart with you and in its place I was left with a shattered resemblance of a heart. An object broken into a thousand pieces. An empty space longing for our son back. We were left wanting. We were left hurt. We were left without you.
And since that day, all we have been trying to do, is piece our hearts back together. Little by little. Trying to find a place for the jaggered edges. Trying to find a little heartbeat again. A beat that doesn't ache everytime it happens, or take your breath away. A peaceful beat that tells us that our hearts have healed just a little.
So our time has come, and I thought to myself, this is it, my heart can finally start to heal. I can finally feel this outmost joy and feel some peace. But I was surprised that it didn't happened as I thought. Yes, I am feeling a lot of joy. And yes, I am feeling more at peace as what we have wanted for so long is happening. But I still feel like my heart is broken. Slightly mended but still broken. And this struck me as strange.
I always thought that the moment I heard another little heartbeat I would feel like the world has righted itself and we would go back to normal. I would feel normal again. But I have learnt that, it is not true. I still feel very much changed. I still don't feel normal.
I guess, what this has taught me, is that this is my normal. This is my new normal self. A happier self indeed but still a self with a piece of her heart very much missing. Very much empty. Very much still hurting.
As you see Nic, my heart is still breaking for you. I still don't get to have you in my life. Yes, we are so very blessed with our little miracle, so very blessed and I am beyond happy that it has finally happened, but it doesn't bring you back and nothing ever will. Nothing will ever replace my Nicstar. For you are, and always will be my first born. You are, and always will be my son, a big brother!
My broken heart may be slightly mended but it will always have a broken piece. It will always have a deep scar. It will always have a space with your name on it.
Always and forever, until we meet again!
Love Mom
