Disappointments

Dear Nicholas 

What is disappointment in my life right now? 

The only way I can explain this is by saying how I feel. Right now, I feel like it is a never ending wall that stretches up to the sky above. And on the other side is everything that I am wanting and dying for. A wall with little steps towards the windows of hope along its way. A wall with a gigantic hole at the bottom leading to the dark shadows of sadness. A wall that creates a sense of hope but at the same time so much darkness. 

As in one moment you are happily climbing away, focusing on getting to the top and climbing over, being pushed by the windows of hope. And you are able to catch a glimpse of the other side. A side that brings so much happiness and so many blessings. A side where happy healthy babies live. Your siblings. 

But you climb and you climb. Using all your strength to hold onto the small steps of hope. Hold onto patience. Hold onto the notion of 'it will happen'. And then all of a sudden you lose your grip, you start to fall. And you just keep falling into the dark shadows of sadness. A wanting just taking away just like that. 

And now you are once again at the bottom. Trying to pull yourself out of the dark shadows to breath in some light. Trying to not let this overwhelming feeling of disappointment take over you. Trying to look up again as you know you have to just keep climbing as one day you will get to the other side. 

But how do you not let yourself get affected by these disappointments that appear every so often. How do you close yourself off to these. How to you not let your heart feel them. Because how do you just let go of something you want more than anything in this world. Something that was taking from you before you could experience the joy of it. 

Motherhood. That is all I want. It is all I think about. I see it everywhere I go. I feel it when I wake up and fall asleep. I see it in every child that crosses my path. My heart and soul aches for it. 

I know deep down that it is out of my control and I have to have faith that one day it will happen. But my day was supposed to be now. I was supposed to be holding my healthy little boy in my arms NOW. And yet I am left wanting once again. Wanting something I have wanted for two years now. I am left disappointed. I am left without a laughing baby. 

And right now I just don't know how to handle these disappointments. I don't know how to fill this huge gaping hole in my heart that was left when you were taking from me. 

I feel like I am in limbo. I feel like I can't control anything. I just feel empty. 

But I know I have to keep climbing. I just have to. As hard as it seems. It's the only thing I can do right now. 

But with all of this I keep praying for the same thing everyday. I pray for us to be blessed with a little one. To be blessed with the chance of being a mother and father to a living healthy child. Please! 

And with faith I ask the above and I know you hear my prayers. I know it will happen. 

I love you and I miss you Nicholas. Forever. 

Love Mom