I hear the words 'move on', 'let it go', 'you young, you will have other children'. And I nod, shrug my shoulders and smile. While all along I'm thinking about you and how none of those words ring true to my ears.
For one, how do you move on from losing a child? How do you wake up everyday and not think of him or her? How do you not fall asleep and dream about your little boy or girl? If any parent has been blessed with unconditional love for their child, they will understand that no matter how you may think you can move on and let go, how can you? Your child is part of your soul. Part of who you are. So if you let go of that, in all essence, you are letting go part of yourself. So how? Please tell me how? But before you do, just take a second and think about how you would move on if you lost your child.
And the part about being young. Well yes, we will have other children. We will give you a brother or sister. But that doesn't change the fact that we wanted you. We wanted a life with our little Nicholas. We wanted to share our life with you. So yes, we will have other children in our future, but no one will ever replace our first born. No one will ever be our Nicholas. You are and will always be my son. A son I will have by my side and in my heart for all eternity until the day I can hold you in my arms again.
So how do you respond to this? How do you react? I have found myself asking a lot of How's lately. And unfortunately there is and will never be a clear answer. As no one can answer that question. No one can answer 'how to get through a loss of a child?' And the reason for that is, the loss of a child is unthinkable.
You lose a spouse, you become a widower. You lose a parent, you become an orphan. You lose a child, and there is no title, no name giving. Because it is unthinkable. It is not the right passage of life. Please in no means am I stating that any loss is less of a loss. A loss is a loss and it is devastating no matter the what, who or how. I know from experience of losing a father at an early age. All I'm saying is that a loss of a child is like losing a piece of your soul. Because as soon as you hold your child in your arms, there is no other love like that in the world. It spans higher than the highest mountains, larger than any universe, deeper than the deepest part of the ocean. It is unconditional and so grand. From the moment you hold your child in your arms, you know that your life has changed. You have giving up a piece of your heart and soul forever. And no one should ever have to lose that. No one should ever have to say goodbye forever.
But here we are. Two parents with an angel baby. Two parents with no child in their arms. To parents that have lost a part of their souls and said goodbye. So as much as it is unthinkable. It happens. And it happens more than I ever thought possible. So you ask yourself, how does one move on and get through this?
Well, I am still trying to figure that one out. As some days I feel like I am able to take the next step into the lighter more beautiful path and then a moment passes me by and I'm pushed right back into the shadows. The shadows of child loss. The shadows of unexplained pain and hurt. The reminder of what has happened staring me in the face. And most days I am able to take it head on, look deep into its eyes, stare right back and walk past. And others I am consumed by the dark painful eyes, get lost in them and break down. So once again, how?
There will never be an answer to 'how do you survive child loss?' Because I don't think you can. I think we just carry on with our days because we have to. What else can we do? We have to get out of bed. We have to breath in and out. We have to laugh and smile when we can. We have to live. Because even though it is unbearable to live a life without your child, it is still your life. Only now it has changed. You have change.
Live your changed life as a changed person and walk your changed path. As it will never be easy again. It will never be the same. But the pain will ease someday. The hurt will subside to your deep subconscious. However, you will always remember. Your memories will stand strong. That will never change.
I will never forget my baby boy. I will never forget my Nicholas.
You should have been 1 month old today my baby boy. Instead you are 3 months old, up there in heaven.
I love you and miss you with every beat of my heart.
Love Mom
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