Today I felt like I was drowning. And that is weird since I'm a strong swimmer and would have never thought I would ever experience the sense of drowning. But today I did.
I woke up with this gushing wave of sadness. A wave so huge that it took my breath away. I was unable to breathe. I had this crushing weight on my chest. Everything was closing in on me. I couldn't fight back, I just lay there with this pressure on my chest. I felt this wave crashing into my heart, over and over again. Breaking it into tiny pieces until you are left with nothing but grains of sand. You try to swim up to the light but as you reach the sign of fresh air another wave comes crashing down on you and the darkness just takes over until there is nothing left. No energy to swim back up. No energy to look up. You feel your lungs filling up with water. Water streaming out of your eyes. I want to scream for help but nothing. No words are able to surface. So you just lie there looking up at the light but know that today it is out of your reach. You know that you have no more energy to just swim up. You know that this is the hardest part, to just accept and let go. Because as soon as you relax and stop fighting, everything will be ok. You will find peace and float to the surface.
But then you take to the water again, push yourself before you ready and know that this is not the last wave that is going to tear you apart. Your life from here on out is going to be filled with many more. So you need to learn how to swim. You need to learn how to keep afloat. You need to learn how to survive as hard as every breath, every step, every day is going be.
I felt like I was drowning today. But I survived!
I love you and miss you with everything I have.
Love Mom
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