It's been a while

Dear Nicholas 

It's been a while since I wrote to you, my baby boy. 

I have been diving into another adventure to keep some happiness alive inside of me and most days it is working. I know you are my driving force and the voice inside my head telling me to focus and keep going. To keep reaching for my dreams and take charge of my life. It has been since the day I lost you that I have found a new meaning to life. 

Life is not just about going to work and pleasing people, doing the things you have to do, getting through the day, coming home and then getting a salary. That is not life. Life is not about how much money you make or what lifestyle you lead. Because if you live your life like that, how do you find the happiness everyday. 

I have learnt in these dark hours of my life that happiness is hard to come by. You can either be someone that wakes up and looks at life in the negative way. Someone who sees nothing but dark rays and grey clouds. Someone who will never show their laugh lines. Or you can be someone that opens her eyes, breathes in the new day, looks for even the little sprinkle of happiness in her wake to just allow her to get through the day. Because in dark days, how do you survive if you can't do that. 

I want to be that someone. I want to be that someone who has laugh lines and a happy sunshine glow. I want to make my gloomy day bright yellow again. 

And to achieve this, life has to be filled with dreams. Dreams that you wake up thinking about. Dreams that you stay up till midnight planning to achieve. Dreams that make your heart jump with just a little excitement. Dreams that one day will come true. Dreams of a mom that can stay home doing something she loves while being there for her children every day. 

And my Nicstar, it was ever since you became my angel that I obtained this new lease on life. That life is to short to say 'I will do it one day'. Because that 'one day' might never come! 

So I have stuck my nose into something that I know will make my dreams come true. My dream of having three beautiful children, two walking this earth and one learning to fly, and a mom that is able to be there for them every minute of the day. As my family will always come first. That is my dream. That is my journey. 

My dream is to firstly be a mom, to experience motherhood in all its beauty and to be the best wife and mother that I can be. And I know you will be guiding me every step of the way. That is my happiness. That is what gets me through my days. 

My soul. My beating heart. My everything. My Nicstar! 

I love you 

Mom