Forever changed

Dear Nicholas

My notebook is in front of me. My pen is in my hand. I’m trying to write my thoughts, my plans, my everyday life that is still ahead of me. And yet, I stare at the page, it’s blank.

My vision has turned from one of colour into one of grey. This person who had all this energy for life, for her job, for everything, is now an empty broken shell. I used to be this person that loved life and, wow, did I enjoy embracing it everyday. But what now?

I sit here today, I feel as blank as the page I’m staring at. I feel so changed. I feel so empty. I feel like I have lost such an essential part of myself.

I sit in the corner and I smile. A smile with so much pain behind. I sit and I listen to chatter, to laughter, to life being lived. I sit there and all I’m doing is wishing that life would just stop, just for a moment, so I can tell myself to breath in and out, to enjoy the present, to embrace the moment.

But how do I do that? How do I just sit there and not think of you? How do I breath in and out when I know you no longer can? How do I enjoy the present when you are not here to enjoy it with me? How do I embrace moments when all I want in this life is you? How?

So I realise that even though I am still me and I still do everything I used to do. I am changed and forever will be. As who could stay the same after losing such a precious part of herself. I am now a little stronger and a little wiser. I know now that life can change in a blink of an eye. I have gained new perspectives in everything I do.

I am now a mother to a baby with wings and no one will ever know the love I have for you. As how do I explain a love so grand, a love that is unconditional, a love that will take your breath away.

So what is my next step? How do I do this?

Well, I put one foot in front of the other. I smile even though I am hurting. I embrace moments even though I miss you. I do this because I know I have to keep living. I know I have to keep breathing. I know I have to do this for you.

Because yes I am forever changed. I will forever be a mother to a beautiful baby boy who is learning how to fly.

Love Mom