Our story

Dear Nicholas

Our dream started on the 23 of November 2015. It was the date you ventured into our lives. You were a tiny spec. A positive sign on a test. A future we so wanted. It was on this day that we found out we were pregnant with you. 

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. A day of decisions. Deciding to go past the shops to pick up a pregnancy test. Deciding once I was home if I should wait for your dad or just go for it. But I couldn't wait. My curious and excited self had to know. So I did the test and who would have guessed, the words PREGNANT flashed on the tiny screen. I was overwhelmed with happiness. I wanted to jump up and scream but of course I was limited by my pants around my ankles. 😜 

But oh did I celebrate. I ran up and down the corridor, with my pants up of course, shouting to the walls, "We're Pregnant, we're pregnant, can you believe it." I then stopped for a moment, looked at my phone and thought to myself, do I phone your dad now or do I surprise him? But I couldn't wait. I couldn't help but share this amazing news. So I picked up the phone and just shouted over the phone. "You are going to be a dad, we are pregnant." And I could feel him smiling on the other end. I was smiling so hard that all my pearly whites were showing. And we celebrated. We celebrated you coming into our lives that night. Myself with my water, your dad with his beer and your grandparents with their wine. There were tears, laughs and so much happiness. 

The 7 and a half months from then are kind of a blur. You showed me how to be patient with my body while you started to grow causing havoc inside me. You showed me that curry was not my friend and you didn't like the taste to much. You showed me that olives were your number one fan. 

You started to grow day by day and on our 12 week scan we couldn't believe our eyes or ears. That little bean we once saw was now a beautiful little boy and your heartbeat was the most amazing sound. You were our little beating bean. 

The first time I felt you I was 18 weeks. How to describe it? Well, it felt like gas.😜 And like many pregnant women would know, gas is quite common and a natural thing in pregnancy. But this felt slightly different and I knew it was you. It got stronger every week. From little flutters, to rumbles, to tumbles, to full blown kicks. It was the best feeling in the world. 

We started to read to you every night. It must have been a mumble to you, like we were talking through water, but it was our special family time. A bed time story read by your Dad while you listened and kicked in my belly. A memory I will hold onto for the rest of my life. 

But my baby boy, you see, we knew you were special from the moment we saw that pregnant word on that screen, but at the time I didn't know how VERY special you were. 

Our nightmare started on the 27 of May 2016. It was the day you decided to become our angel forever. It was the day you left us. 

I woke up on Friday morning feeling very sad and anxious. It was as if I knew at 6am, that today was going to be the hardest day of my life. I hadn't felt you move since you kicked me so hard in my ribs the day before and I started to get worried. So I got up and raided the fridge. I drank coke. I ate candy. I made myself some hot chocolate. Anything to get a kick of sugar so I could feel you move. NOTHING. 

I felt nothing but a huge sense of fear. Fear because my beautiful and hard stomach was no longer. Fear because you were no longer kicking. 

Off to the doctor I went for my first unscheduled appointment. Not knowing what was in store for me. What I thought was just myself being paranoid, turned out to be very real. A mothers worst nightmare.

You were 31weeks old. I lay on the doctors bed with the transducer on my belly and nothing. There was nothing happening on the screen. I knew, before the doctor even turned towards me with tears in her eyes, that you were gone. It was then confirmed by words that will haunt me for the rest of my life. 'There is no heartbeat. I am so sorry.'

I lay there, emotionless, stunned beyond recognition as I didn't think I was hearing right. What? How? Why? 

What just happened? How did this happen? Why, oh the thousand whys? 

You were gone, never to return. Now what? How do you phone the person who you love the most in this world and tell him, his son is gone. I dialed the number 6 times and put down. Staring at the screen, I just knew I had to. I had to find the strength. And finally I dialed and your dad picked up. I needed your dad by my side. And wow, did he get to me in a matter of seconds. I still remember his stunned voice on the phone. A phone call so different from when I told him we were pregnant. A smile replaced by tears. 

And then we were thrust into something that we never thought would happen to us. We had to hold onto each other for so much strength. Because the next step was going to destroy us. We had to bring you into this world. We had to decide between natural birth or a c-section. A decision we thought we had a few weeks to make. And then came the decider. 'If you do natural, you can try again basically right away. If you do a c-section, you will have to wait about 18 months.'  We looked at each other and our desicion was pretty clear. I was going to give birth to my beautiful sleeping baby boy the natural way. 

It took three days for you to make your appearance. Three long days. You definitely got your stubborness from me, your mother. But what a beautiful sight you were. The moment you were placed into our arms, you took our breath away. You looked exactly like a tiny version of your dad, sleeping peacefully with his mouth open. You had the softest little feet and the most precious little nose. You were our whole heart. With tears streaming down our cheeks, we had to say our goodbyes. We had to say goodbye to our first born son. A moment in my life that will always stay with me. Because how does any parent say goodbye to their baby forever. It's just not natural. 

But with your strength helping us and your dads unconditional love for both of us, we got through the worst weekend of our lives. We had achieved the step we wanted to and did it perfectly. It was the perfect birth to a perfect little boy. It even had a few funny moments, which will be our little secret. 😜 

So there we were, a mom and dad, sitting in a hospital room with no crying baby to hold or comfort. Just empty. Just two people trying to breathe in and out. Two people trying to survive. 

We left the hospital with a new title. A title we both would change for just one more minute with you. A title of a mom and a dad to a baby with wings. 

And you see son. Ever since that day, the day we took our first step as parents to an angel baby, we have just been surviving. Our steps started very small. Very painful. They then grew slightly bigger and more sturdy yet still very painful. Some days it's easy to take a step forward. But Some days we take 5 steps back. Because no one will ever know how to deal with something like this. 

We are surviving right now because our story can not end like this. We are surviving because that is all we can do right now. We are surviving because we both know some day we will be holding you again. And when that day comes, it will be a nightmare turned back into a dream come true. 

We love you Nicholas with everything we have. Forever in our hearts. Never forgotten. 

Love Mom and Dad