It happens unexpectedly. You don't even know it's happening to you until it is to late. You think you have built up brick walls to help you survive, to not let the pain in but somehow it still gets through. Your eyes are blinded to what is happening around you, until the trigger goes off and you find yourself crumpled on the floor. Bleeding from your heart. Crying from your naive eyes. Lying there in pain.
Your wound is once again wide open.
There is no manuel to how to handle losing a baby. It just happens and you have to figure out how to survive. And that is how I am finding this whole journey. Things just happen. Triggers just happen. The gun goes off when you least expect it. It makes you want to scream out to the world. Scream because you angry. Scream because you want to release your pain. Scream because life is just so unfair.
Many people who have gone through an ordeal like us, will know what these bullet holes called triggers are and what they can do to you. But every bullet is different for everyone. Yes, some may be similar. But everyone will react to their bleeding wound in their own way.
So I am finding myself with a few triggers of my own. Seeing pregnant ladies. Holding new born babies. Seeing toddlers laughing and playing. My own personal bullet holes. Ones that open my eyes up to the unbelievable pain of losing my baby. Ones that open the doorway to my heartache. Ones that bring the rush of memories back to my unwanting mind. Ones that remind me of this life. This very unfair life.
I have been told by so many wise and insightful people that are on the same journey as me, that this is normal. It is normal to feel like you don't want to be around when the gun goes off. Because who would want to open up that wound day in and day out. Where you find yourselves heaving in your loved ones arms from this deep reaching heartache that just doesn't seem to disappear.
But what I am struggling to come to terms with, Is how do you change your genetically built self? This is not me. I am not a selfish person. I always think of others before me. But what if it's YOU who is destroying your own self. It is YOU who is bringing this shattering pain into your life.
You see, us angel moms have gone through something unimaginable. Something that we ourselves can not explain. You can't explain our broken soul, our gut reaching pain, our life without our baby.
So it comes a time in our grief journey that we have to protect ourselves. And like with time, it may be years, it may be months, it may be days, but we have to give it time. We have to build those brick walls to help keep the bullets out. We have to look after ourselves, after our own hearts. Because if we don't, this journey that we did not wish for, will never get easier. It will never have light. It will never bring healing to our forever broken hearts.
My time now is very recent so I have decided to protect myself, just for a little while. Just while my bullet holes are to fresh to handle. I know someday they will heal and be filled with scar tissue. A scar that will forever be.
But for now I am looking after my bleeding wound. For now I am protecting my grieving heart.
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