The road ahead

Dear Nicholas

This road of grief that we find ourselves walking down is one hard journey with boulders, deep potholes and signs along the way. Boulders that are so strong, deep potholes that will never be filled and signs that show us the way.

The boulders on my journey are all these strong feelings and emotions that I am facing. Feelings that one day I am able to handle and the next day I am so overwhelmed that I want to scream or throw something. Feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, emptiness and Fear.

I’m angry that this happened to us. I’m jealous that everyone else gets their little happy ending. I am filled with so much sadness because someone I love so much was taken from me. I feel so lonely without you, my baby boy. And I am so empty as I have this longing to be a mother yet I find you are not in my arms. And fear, oh my word, the fear. How do I do this all over again? How do I get through another 9 months when I have experienced the worse possible thing in pregnancy.

And then comes the potholes that will never be filled. My arms that will never hold you. The cot that sleeps alone. The chair that will never rock you. The playground that will never hear your laugh. The clothes that will never have your scent. My heart that will never be whole again.

But then as we approach the signs in our journey it provides us with some light. Something that we have to hold onto or else we might just lose our souls to the dark depths of the ocean. Signs of hope that your little brother or sister will come into our lives. Signs of happiness that someday soon we will have the sounds of our children laughing in our home. Signs of joy that we are so deserving of. And most importantly, signs of faith. Faith in our doctor to guide us along this road to our happy little family. Faith in us to take each day as it comes and keep focusing on each step. Faith in myself and my body that it will keep your brother or sister safe. Faith that we will be parents to an earthly child. And faith in God. Faith that he will bless us with all our dreams and wants. Bless us with a little living being with ten fingers and ten toes.

So my dear boy, even though this is the hardest road I have ever had to walk, I know you are beside me every step of the way, showing me all the signs.

Love Mom