All my senses

Dear Nicholas

I am just sad. Plain and simple. 

I hear the sound of my heart breaking. It's pain I can not explain. I hear my heart beating, but yours is no longer able to. I hear my thoughts telling me it is going to be ok. But when might that be.

I touch your blankets and I long to snuggle you in them. I run my fingers through your soft wraps and long to touch your soft skin. I touch your beautiful clothes and know I will never get to dress you in them. 

I see children playing and laughing, but know I will never have that with you. I see pregnant moms smiling and all I do is long for you. I see family and friends moving on with their lives and I just see my life without you. 

I smell the baby powder in the cupboard, never to be used. I smell the baby cologne that was meant for you and know what I have lost. I smell the baby cream and long for your new born scent. 

I taste pain. I taste hurt. I taste anger. I taste jealousy. I taste sadness in everything I do. I feel everything now a days. Every emotion. All my senses are so high on the scale. I sometimes can not breathe. 

I speak that I am ok. But am I really. I speak about you and tell my story just to keep your memory alive. I speak because I want people to know that I love my son dearly. I speak through a smile but behind the mask is just pain. I speak because I miss you. I miss you every second, minute, hour of the day. 

Everyday I will miss you. Everyday I will long for you. Everyday I will pray that I will see you again. My son, my heart, my forever. 

Love Mom