Some days are like walking on hot coals. Just painful to get through. I feel like I am living in an animated world, a cartoon where every hour brings on a different feeling. A different emotion. A different self.
6am- I wake up. I stare at the ceiling and have to tell myself, it's time to get out of bed. It's time to breath in and out. It's time to face another day without you in our lives.
7am- I am in my car. Driving once again fully aware that you are not with me anymore. My song that I have dedicated to you is playing on the radio, but I am not listening. I am just focusing on what lies ahead. The next stop sign. The next speed bump. The next drive without you.
8am- I'm sitting at my desk. Looking through my screen, not at my screen because I've lost focus. I can't see anything. It is just blank. This blank screen staring back at me. This normal life that I have to get back to. But I don't feel normal at all anymore. A normal life is not normal without you.
9am- I'm in the freezing cold. Standing on my two feet, teaching. Teaching children how to take part in sport. A love I have always had. But now I'm standing there, hearing words coming out of my mouth, speaking to another Nicholas and all the while I'm thinking to myself, what would my Nicholas be doing at this age?. A grand reminder that I am no longer with my son.
10am- It's break time. A moment of relaxation. A moment for myself. A moment to eat my lunch. Another moment I am not with you.
11am- I am back on the sports field, shouting now at children because I have just had enough. I'm angry. I am all of a sudden angry at the world. At myself. At everyone in it. Waiting for someone to say or do something wrong to me to just tip me over the edge. I am angry because you were taken from me.
12pm- I am in a meeting. Once again trying to focus on words, so many words. And I look up and see people who care about me, who want to just take my pain away and I feel helpless. I feel hurt and pain because why am I the one sitting here with all of this. Why have I been chosen to bear a life without my son.
1pm- Coaching soccer. A game both myself and your dad love. A game we both have so much passion for. A game I know would have put a smile on your face. But now what? It's a game that will forever miss you. Boots that will never be worn. A Mommy never to be on the side line using her loud voice to cheer you on or scream at the refs. A Daddy never to show you some cool tricks and some great skills. Never to be.
2pm- We are in need of milk and cheese so it's time to get back in the car and go get groceries. Such a normal daily task. But a task that feels so strange. A daily routine that you used to accompany me. A routine that is no longer the same.
3pm- Home time. Yay! But wait, home is staring at the tv. Staring at the walls. Walking past your nursery. Seeing all the bottles and clothes. Being sad. Just unbelievably sad. Because you should have been here. You should be lying in your cot, rocking in your chair, playing on your gym with Mommy, laughing. But nothing. Just silence.
4pm- Friends. My favourite series. Something that somehow amongst all this darkness brings me comfort and makes me smile just a little. My little piece of sunshine amongst these dark grey clouds. A piece I know I would have been sharing with you. Oh the longing I have to just hear you laugh my beautiful boy. What I would do for that sound.
5pm- Sadness. That's all.
6pm- Back to life now. It's time to cook again. Cook something to feed our empty souls. But there is no energy. What's the point.
7pm- Our indoor game of soccer comes along. Another little rainbow to our day. Boots on. Shin pads on. Game face on. Energy is back. GOAL. Of course, do you think anything else would come from your parents. A few smiles. A few laughs. A lighter heart.
8pm- Hunger. Yes hunger for food. Our body is craving some energy. But we sit here with blank expressions on our faces. Back to a normal routine and all we do is think of you. I think of myself never being able to feed you. Never being able to shout at you, "Eat all your vegetables Nicholas."So many moments never to be.
9pm- It is winter time so the night is dark. The weather is chilling. The best place to be is in bed. Cuddled under the blankets where your feet stay warm. A place where your mind needs to relax and drift off to sleep. A place where my mind drifts off to another world. A world with you in it.
10pm- I dream of you crying in my arms. I dream of your beautiful smile. I dream of you taking your first step, loosing your first tooth, speaking your first word. And my heart swells. My heart swells with this unconditional, higher than the highest mountain type of love. A dream where your smile brightens my day.
11pm- Happiness. A glowing heart.
12am- Screams. Screams. Screams. Wake up. Just wake up. It's just a dream. It can not be true. No, don't say those words. There has to be a heartbeat. Screams.
1am- Reality wakes me up. It is true. You are gone.
2am- Sadness. Deep agonizing Sadness.
3am- The feeling of pain.
4am- The sound of my heart breaking.
5am- I am telling myself, just stop hurting. Please just stop hurting. Someone take this pain away. Please.
6am- Tears and the alarm. Another day starts. I have to do this all over again.
You see my dear boy, I am an emotional roller coaster at the moment. Up. Down. Twists and turns. Being thrust forward. Coming to a halt. I don't know whether to look up, down or straight ahead.
One moment I'm ok, facing this new life that I have been dealt. Trying to come to terms with it. I sometimes even manage to smile and laugh. And then a moment later, I am a ball of anger, waiting to explode. Then I'm smiling and ok. Then comes the moments of hurt and pain. Dreams and nightmares. And then I have to do it all over again. That's my life right now. Those are my hours. My hours without you.
Love Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment